Bryan Firebrand, The Waterton Chronicle:
In a sure sign that the people are about to get what they deserve, Prime Minister of New Zealand, global sweetheart, and recently single mum Jacinda Ardern has adopted what absolutely anyone with half a brain is calling “a bit of a weird strategy”.
Six weeks out from an election, the standard strategy of even the most questionable so-called “politician” would usually involve releasing something resembling what their particular party intends to do should they be democratically elected to rule over us.
Apparently, El Presidente Jacinda has ascended beyond the inconsequential squeaks of the people she rules over, into what looks a bit like a cult leader, and sounds a bit like a cult leader, and quacks a bit like a cult leader. Quack.
The Waterton Chronicle sent a reporter to the palace gates in the hope that our glorious leader would maybe answer a question or two.
“No. She is not taking questions until after the election.” A Palace Guard informed this reporter.
“But she’s the Prime Minister?” this reporter asked.
“Yes. But she’s also Jacinda. She’s single-handedly stopped COVID, a volcano and a murderous lunatic bro. Isn’t that enough?” the agitated guard asked.
“Single-handedly? I thought we were ‘a team of five million’?” this reporter asked.
“Well, umm, fxxk you bro!” the palace guard explained before this reporter was escorted off the palace grounds.
Safely back in front of his computer, this reporter discovered that Jacinda’s strategy has been utilised only a couple of times before.
“Basically, I discovered that very few politicians and even fewer leaders of western democracies refuse to announce any policies six weeks out from an election. I also learned that it’s a bit weird that a leader in what is apparently a democratic nation refuses to participate in a leaders debate six weeks out from an election.” Bryan explained.
“The only examples I could find that were even close were a bit communist to be honest.” Bryan added.
“Mao, Lenin, Stalin.. More recently, Putin, Xi, Kim.”.