World’s four shortest books:

1) Jewish Sports Legends
2) Polish Hall of Fame
3) Italian War Heroes
4) Negroes I have met whilst yachting

Paddy the Irishman stumbles out of a pub, and staggers home through a park. In some bushes, he hears a woman say “fancy a quick one? ” Paddy can’t believe his luck so he crawls into the bushes for some fun. Minutes later a cop walks by with and hears the commotion, shines his torch toward the noise, and asks”what’s going on in there!!??” Paddy quickly replies “Oh, sorry officer I was just making love to my wife.”. The cop apologizes and says “sorry, I didn’t know” to which Paddy replies “I didn’t know EITHER till you shined dat f*ckin light in her face!”

It’s funny how a single event can make you realise you’re getting on in years.

I saw a young girl in a mini skirt yesterday & all I could think was, ”I bet she’s cold.”

A sick one from my late best friend Aaron, who died of brain cancer aged 45 two years ago:

A young boy walks in on his parents “doing it”, and is disgusted by the sight. He retreats from the room in shock. Dad says “i better go have a chat with Junior”. Dad covers up and walks down the hall to find his son. He notices light underneath the bedroom door where Grandma sleeps, opens the door, and Junior is in her bed. “What THE”… Junior says to his Dad- “Not so funny when it’s YOUR mother is it!”

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story……

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

‘Gosh..if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.’

There was a fish in the water thinking,

‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.’
There was a bear on the shore thinking,

‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly..
And I will grab the fish!!’

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….

‘Gosh,’ he thought, ‘if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish leaps for it…
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.’

Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there’s more….

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking,

‘Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches…
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.’

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
this particular river around lunch time)

‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly .
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich
Then I can have mouse for lunch.’

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly…

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks…

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story….

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.