Welcome to the Labour Government’s Covid-19 Helpline. Please note that this call may be recorded for staff training purposes, and that we’re tracking your cellphone for police operational purposes.
You will need to be ready with your name, address, email, drivers’ licence, passport details, and importantly, with details of your next of kin.
Please choose from the following options:
If you’ve encountered one of our MPs swimming, mountain-bike riding, boar hunting, skydiving, cage fighting, or chainsaw juggling then please press 1. We’ll have a quiet word with the MP in question as their peers are probably keen to learn about exercise options which are open to them. Thanks for sharing.
If you are only a little bit frightened about the Covid-19 but would like to become properly terrified, then press 2. Our Zoom-bot will call you back with a video mashup of some of the very worst global scare stories from distant countries, each narrated by Jacinda so you can feel better about being kept under house arrest here in New Zealand.
If you are experiencing emotional, physical or domestic trauma, or you’ve lost your business or life savings, or you are having suicidal thoughts as a result of being under house arrest, then press 3. The Labour government all about kindness, and a kind person will soon be on the line to tell you how to pull yourself together.
If you’ve found Winston Peters, please press 4. We’ll give you instructions on how to sober him up, crate him up, and courier him back to Wellington.
If you’ve recently arrived in New Zealand, welcome! You’ll notice that no one is home. Press 5 and we’ll email you a pamphlet on fun things to do while you’re here. We’d be ever so grateful if you would cough into your elbow if needed. Thanks so much. Enjoy your stay.
If you are inquiring about our eBay listing “New Zealand Closing Down Sale”, then please press 6.
If you are a serving police officer having paramilitary-style saluting reflexes or unusual marching inclinations, then press 7. We’ll play some stirring music with a voiceover from Andy Coster who will outline how you can constructively channel these aggressions.
If you are applying for membership of the Jacinda Fan Club, then press 8 for good news. Since the closure of Woman’s Day, New Zealand Woman’s Weekly and The Listener we have many new vacancies and we’re taking new applications. Note that we have no stock of Jacinda life-size cardboard cut-outs until tomorrow when our officials will designate cardboard cut-out making as an essential service.
If you are concerned about suspension of civil liberties, living in a police state, or even if your cat is stuck up a tree, then press 9 and wait a few minutes. A team of friendly, uniformed liaison officers will be at your doorstep in no time.
To hear these options again with Jacinda doing the voice-over, press 0.
The Clowns aren’t just in the car.