As bushfires continue to rage in Australia, Supreme Leader Ardern has returned from her holiday on the fire-ravaged NSW coast without even once picking up a hose or putting on a helmet, despite that being the customary thing for world leaders to do these days apparently.

She has however offered current Australian PM Scott Morrison some advice on how to look like he actually cares, and forced handshakes isn’t in the list, although, interestingly, going on unannounced holidays is.

“I mean, I just told him the basics really” our Supreme Leader explained.

“I suggested he borrow one of my hijabs and look for an opportunity to look really sad while hugging some random.”.

“I also explained to him how effective my strategy of fucking off to my dad’s holiday house on Tokelau for a spot of fishing was when that silly Ihumatao land occupation was about to reach fever pitch in the media” she added.

She went on to explain how even though the illegal land occupation is ongoing, the media has completely lost interest.

After Scomo explained to Cindy how well the holiday thing worked out for him, she doubled down on the hijab strategy.

“Don the scarf, Scotty. Don the sacred scarf” she said.

“They’ll fucking lap it up”.

The Waterton Chronicle